If you prefer to read, the video transcription is below.
I’m Trudi and I’m here today to talk about unfragmenting your life and how my journey of making peace with god, masculine and feminine energy and metaphysics completed a journey of transformation, that I began over a decade ago.
So who am I ?
I’m a life coach, and a mentor. I am somebody who truly believes that when we give ourselves permission we can fully embrace a life full of purpose and meaning.
We can release the shackles of shame and guilt and judgment to really be at peace within ourselves.
If you have ever actually felt alone before, if you’ve ever felt that you are walking this world on your own, even for a moment, you need to read this.
I’m finally in a really happy space in my life but I want to acknowledge that in this busy world that we live in it can feel really uncertain.
This landscape with the pandemic and in the space of all of the lockdowns and the loss of life: with the total shift in how we live our day-to-day there’s a huge rise of depression and people are really feeling disconnected.
What was our traditional way of living is gone and it has been replaced with levels of uncertainty, we can’t deny that and with the internet, where we have the world at our fingertips, there is still this feeling in so many people or maybe the feeling was already there, but we can’t hide from it anymore.
This feeling of being disconnected is on the rise.
We are constantly bombarded with negative press.
In our Facebook feed, the marketing tells us that we’re too much or we’re not enough we’re not the right shape size, we don’t look the right way, we don’t do the right things, we’re not loud enough we’re too loud like in all of this chatter and the noise and the bombardment, it is so easy to feel alone and not enough
Over the last decade I’ve been studying human potential and something that I have realized is there are a lot of strategies out there for connection and feeling good.
You know the ones. If you clean out all your cupboards and fold things a certain way you’ll have inner peace sort of thing so it’s not a strategy problem that we have when it comes to feeling good.
It’s what I believe with all of the people that I’ve coached, what I see online, the articles that I read, and including my own lived experience: is that we actually have a spiritual problem
We have a real spiritual problem and yet the inner chatter patty, in these times (and especially in the last three years), I really discovered in healing my own God wound, I was able to learn and embrace the polarity of masculine and feminine energy, as well as really embrace the spirituality in the science, which meant I was able to place a foundation in to support all of the other healing that I’d been actioning.
We’ve all heard the stories before you build a house you’ve got to have the solid foundation or the walls eventually tip and collapse which is the same when it comes to our own healing and wellbeing.
The right foundation to build your healing on top of makes a difference that I don’t hear many coaches talking about.
I know there’s a lot of people that don’t know me and so something that you might not know about me even if you have met me before is that years ago, way back in primary school, I actually denounced my faith.
I was raised catholic.
I’d gone through all the scripture lessons and everything but this particular year was a really painful year. My cousin who was my age, had passed away due to cystic-fibrosis.
I saw for the second time, a family dog get hit by a car and die and it was around this time that my father stopped coming to visit me. (My parents were divorced when I was quite young and so he became absent and it really left me feeling hurt and unworthy)
I was just constantly bullied at school. I was miserable and I was still figuring out how to process some abuse that had happened to me growing up.
One of the challenges that I I’d had at this time, was the priest who taught our catholic religion classes in my school, always used me as the example of the bad child when sharing stories to teach lessons about good and bad.
If there was a child that lied, it was me, a child that stole something, it was me, and where religion was supposed to be a safe space for me, even that space had been taken away
I reached my breaking point, I was done, this particular day.
I came home from school and I stood out in the backyard and I was still young enough that I didn’t really think about other people hearing what I was about to do but I yelled up to god in the sky, because that’s where god lives, in the sky right?
I yelled up to god, that I hated him, that why would he do this to me, that all I wanted to do was love him.
I wanted to be a good girl, I wanted to feel safe, to go to church. I wanted to be a good catholic girl and I just had one thing after another, happening to me, so I yelled up at him that I hated him and that I would rather go to hell and burn in hell, than ever set foot in church again.
That he was gone to me, because what he was doing to me was wrong, it wasn’t fair, and it was powerful stuff for a little kid in primary school. I denounced God not understanding at the time, of the repercussions that would come through to me
Fast forward to a young women in her early twenties. It was her first suicide attempt. She had been labelled and medicated by a doctor when she came to see him for something completely non-related, as depressed.
I went on to antidepressants. (Being a good girl doing what the doctor told me and as I had all this unresolved trauma, stuff from my teenage years bubbling away under the surface) so when I stopped taking the tablets shit went down.
I went cold turkey because nobody told me that it was potentially a bad thing and for me, and it was a really bad thing.
I ended up overdosing, getting taken away to hospital, getting my stomach pumped and all of the things and what resulted from this after three or four day stay in an asylum, was everyone around me, telling me how bad I’d made them feel so in that moment, so in that process, I took it all on board and I decided there, just to pretend my life was good.
(There could have been a really healing moment for me at that time, but it became a space that was buried in shame and guilt and judgment.)
Which resulted in me becoming a party princess, ending up with a drug addiction and ending up going through two more cycles of suicide and depression, until something happened.
I got to this space where I realized that I was the one common denominator in my own life and if anything was going to change in my life, it was me that needed to decide to change.
I didn’t realize just how much, by making that decision, to stop being a victim to my past, would impact the rest of my life.
Then I discovered personal development and started a certificate four in life coaching and that’s when things really started to transform for me.
But I hadn’t yet healed the God wound.
So healing was happening but there was still something missing.
Three years ago healing the God wound was the start of the pathway of me no longer having to carry what people have put on my shoulders.
The freedom in my way of being is why I’ve dedicated to my own life to supporting people to release the shame, release the judgment, release the guilt around the past, to heal those wounds.
They can remove a feeling of separation and aloneness that they have and no longer feel the burden of carrying around others expectations of who they should be.
They get to choose now.
For me it was a God wound, for other people, it can show up as a friend wound, a mother wound, whatever it is but so people can feel loved and safe and supported in their own lives
Today I’m going to cover three components that really allowed me and it was really in the last three years or so, that I got to this final sort of completion of what I feel my healing process was.
Metaphysics is what Aristotle who called the first philosophy of wisdom, so it explores the nature of existence and the rules that we live in and we have human people rules but we have rules of nature.
These rules of nature, they don’t change, they are a never-changing constant and so when you embrace these laws, these laws of energy, the laws of nature and implement them into your life, you can’t help but elevate and be transformed
I imagine you want to elevate and transform, I’m going to cherry pick a few and talk about the law of vibration and I will mention the law of correspondence and I’ll talk more about the law of polarity.
Vibration…it’s quite simple, nothing is at rest, everything is moving, the tiniest little bit of matter, it’s vibrating and what happens when things vibrate, they send out a frequency,
I didn’t know this when I was little, when I was a child and denouncing God and separating this foundation of faith that I had in my life, separating that away from me, I didn’t realize that I was changing my vibration.
I was changing what was happening for me!
Being aware of your vibration, and what energy/emotion you’re sending out is what you’re attracting back.
I was victim, alone, sad and worthless so I got that back.
It is your job to generate positive purpose, emotions.
You need to deliberately choose your field, your energy, because the universe is mental and it’s governed by this law of vibration.
It’s also governed by the law of correspondence. As within so without, as the universe so the soul.
So the soul, your inner game, what you are thinking, is feeding your vibration, which is creating your frequency and is attracting what’s happening in your life.
When I learned this, my mind was blown and why it’s important, when healing the god wound or any wounding you have.
Like I said, I didn’t understand, I was walking around separate from the foundational thing that I’d established in my young life, that was always the present and I’d taken myself away from it so my vibration became one of I’m alone, I’m a victim, I have nothing.
I was this little human drudge walking around as a victim, pretending to be happy, artificial, which didn’t last and because I was up here vibrating in a space that wasn’t natural, the crash down was bad, my inner game sucked, and I was fragmented.
When you understand that you are vibrating and what you are thinking is creating a frequency that you put out into the universe, as above so below, as the universe, so the soul, you get to choose and make a conscious decision around what you are sending out.
Awareness is your first step. And there’s also the law of cause and effect.
Are you at cause or are you at effect?
It’s important that in your inner game that you choose to become fully responsible for how you are choosing to chow up.
Even after my final suicide attempt, when I didn’t realize the law of correspondence, the law of vibration, cause and effect etc by realising and owning I am my own common denominator, no one is coming to rescue me and if I’m going to live a happy life, it has to be up to me, I need to take back my power, stepping into that space of cause, shifting my vibration, starting to make conscious choices, about my inner world which then reflected out into my actions.
That was my first huge step in coming back and unfragmenting myself and becoming whole again.
Lets talk more about the god wound.
Healing the god wound was huge for me, because by removing God from my life, the repercussions of that and removing that foundation, echoed through.
I had disconnected myself from a very loving source of energy.
Childhood is where our values and our beliefs form and my childhood values and beliefs, faith, trust, and integrity was all built on those things. Then when all these bad things just kept happening over and over, in my first years of life, and losing God, tore open a really big wound, which looks like different things for everyone
My experience of a god wound of religious trauma, it’s going to be different to anyone else and if you feel like you have a god wound it’s definitely worth exploring.
For me, it really triggered a massive break from family, I already had trouble making friends, it just made it even harder.
I’ve always been a little bit of a solo mover and don’t get too close sort of thing and as a teenager I became withdrawn, self-harmed and I was a mess, because the foundation was gone.
So how do you heal it is probably the big question, how do you heal a god wound?
It’s going to be different for everyone, and it’s beautiful because you actually get to choose.
I was really blessed, as I had a coach who identified the God wound and the massive wound with the masculine that I was still struggling with and I had a huge intervention.
He let me yell and scream and cry and rant at him, for at least 20min on a Zoom call, in a mastermind group that I was in, he stood in proxy for the men that abused me, and he just he just absorbed it
He took the force of all my rage, pain, hurt and bitterness, he apologized for all the men who had let me down, hurt me, lied and abused me.
It was raw, liberating and very cathartic.
Now that kind of healing, it’s not for everyone.
There are beautiful coaching processes where you don’t even have to say what’s wrong, if you identify a feeling within yourself or there’s a significant event from your childhood that has either a really negative charge or a hyper-positive charge around it, you don’t even need to talk about it.
When you clear those emotions and those charges and open up the space to allow in love and healing, you can’t help but raise that vibration that you have and in the raising of your vibration, your frequency changes.
I spent most of my life saying that God didn’t matter, I didn’t need God, I’ll just go to purgatory or go to hell, but I didn’t realize there was a wound around it.
It made a huge difference to heal that wound, whether it’s a religious or a family wound, when you heal any wound in you have, you get to come back to a place of wholeness which is an absolute gift.
Let’s touch base on masculine and feminine or the law of polarity.
This is another metaphysical law and I just want people to understand there’s two types of energy, so we think of them as masculine and feminine or yin and yang, they’re not based on biological gender, we have both types of energy available to us and we can tap into both energies
We can use both energies and we can be authentic and happy for our life.
Now in relation to my story and with plenty of women that I’ve worked with, it wasn’t actually safe for me to be in that feminine energy and because I’d absented God from my life and my father wasn’t there and all of the things that had happened, I’d stepped in to be my own dad kind of thing.
I spent most of my life living in this really masculine state as a place of protection.
I would step into that as a protective measure and I forgot all about being who I truly was.
I pushed aside the feminine side and was super hyper aggressive especially in my career, standing up defiantly to my CEO and telling him he was wrong and then being called aggressive.
By staying in that masculine state, I didn’t have god, I didn’t have dad, I had massive distrust of men, I was denying at the core of who I am, that beautiful feminine flow, and I was miserable.
(The masculine energy is seen as strong and purposeful and focused whereas the feminine is more flowing and allowing and more receiving right so this is why we have both)
I’d fully denied my own feminine essence as it didn’t feel safe.
So many of my relationships failed because I was always fighting my core of who I was.
When I healed my relationship with the masculine, God and I stopped pushing and working, I stopped having to be right, I understood the joy and the beauty in being able to let go of feeling, I had to control everything, I was able to exist in this space of self-worth and self-love and started doing things that I really loved to do.
I’m not hyper vigilant and having to control everything because I know that I’m a whole person, I’m allowing the flow and I don’t feel that I have to be in defensive, protective energy anymore.
That was another huge thing like an unexpected by-product of healing the god wound and embracing a more spiritual loving god into my life.
Embracing a whole metaphysical world has been a process of constant choosing.
I give myself permission now to play and to flow and I don’t have to be so rigid and push anymore.
In healing the god wound, embracing metaphysics, learning about the law of polarity and giving myself permission to step back into my true nature of who I really am, who I always was and remembering that, I am whole and complete and I’m a perfect child of God.
Understanding that allowed me to completely transform my life and come into a place I never expected that I could get too.
Now I don’t go to church every week, I don’t take communion, I don’t have a bible, I don’t judge myself if I say the wrong things.
I’m no longer unkind to myself if I don’t get something right the first time.
I’m not following religion but I have faith again and I’ve given myself permission to fill that empty void from my childhood and doing all of that was huge in restoring a foundation of faith in my life.
It really filled that void and it allowed me to open up to more, which is why I share this understanding of spiritual law.
It’s given me the foundation, the absolute foundation, that I was missing previously in my life, that kept me wandering and kept me feeling vulnerable and kept the defences up.
I will forever be grateful to my coach who shared with me his knowledge who gave me the space to let go of that toxic wound that I didn’t know was there and just let it all out for me.
Healing and growth and transformation, it’s a lifelong journey but when you remove that feeling of singularity from your life, that feeling that you walk this pathway alone and remember the magic and the wonder of the world. When you give yourself permission to come home to the true nature of who you are, and that being that you are always worthy, you are always loved, that’s when you allow yourself to heal.
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